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Mama Kin…

It’s funny and a little unnerving how quickly he changes. After waiting for it for 19 months, after sucking it up when he said Dada, then Sassa (my mother’s preference to being called Grandma), sucking it up when he said Al (our large cat), or bug, big boy, big girl and catchy little phrases like, What IS this! Oh wow!, he has finally, FINALLY called me Mama. Mmmmama, he says, pointing at me or a picture of me. One minute, he had never said it. The next: Mmmmmama!

I think I was as suprised as he was by the ecstatic squeals emitted from mommy, by the shouting and hugging and kissing that went on, the clumsy pirouettes and mad doorbell ringing, the banging together of the lids of pots and pans and the faux American Indian rain dance thing. That’s right, baby, that’s right! I told him. I’m your Mmmmmmmmmmmama!

Odd to think that in years to come Mama, Mom, Mommy, Yo Ma!, Mother Darling, Dearest Revered and Respected Mamma—odd to think how commonplace those terms of endearment will sound. How Mmmmmama will fall by the wayside of Ordinary, a faded blue bead sunk in the backyard dirt pile. How this word will no longer make me euphoric when uttered by my son for general identification purposes or as an urgent summons.

Then again, maybe this particular little flame of excitement and joy never dies, not really, but lives on, like Aerosmith or Rocky Road ice cream.

Mmmmmama.

Music.

Artist!

www.pbrippey.com

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Strange Dreams…

Since we moved into the Ponderosa (aka Seabiscuit), I’ve been having the strangest dreams at night in my new blue and white bedroom. Here’s last night’s:

I’m in England or Ireland doing a play and it’s getting close to stage time but Bono is around and he and I have to make up or I’m going to go crazy and not be able to perform so I wave at him from across a crowded room and he waves back and yells he has to go jog and suddenly I am Bono jogging through a city filled with old-world spires and he’s/I’m nodding at people as he/I jog in my jeans and long black wool coat and he’s/I’m enjoying life as I jog through a cobbled square because I’ve made up with me and all is well and suddenly I’m running down a hallway to a green room where some actresses are sitting and I’m telling them breathlessly that Bono and I have made up and have they seen him but they say no and look sort of non-plussed about it all and I turn around and there down the hall is Bono flanked by two women I seem to know and they’re coming along the hall and I rush to Bono and we embrace not passionately but firmly only now Bono is a short dark haired woman with a wise smile and someone I have never met although everyone calls her Bono and suddenly I’m positive I’ve seen her on Oprah.

And then I woke up, bemused. One thing I know for sure: I’m going to listen to some U2 today.

Snoozer!
www.pbrippey.com

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The Tip Of The Wave…

I checked in recently with my dear friends Moot Mommy and Moot Daddy. If you will recall, Moot Daddy was laid off from the company that said it would never go away just as escrow was closing on Moot Mommy and Moot Daddy’s new home. Although Moot Daddy has yet to secure a new permanent position, although Moot Mommy’s emotions are all over the map as she races after their energetic toddler and frets about what to feed everybody next since she has no working oven and an extremely limited budget, mostly, however, Moot Mommy and Moot Daddy are riding the “tip of the fast-moving wave”, vs. wallowing in a hideous trough.

It’s not easy to ride the tip of the wave. There are many matters to worry about in between trips to Lowe’s and fixing up a fixer-upper and minding a toddler. “In order to stay on the tip of the wave you’re riding, it’s vital to remember present miracles,” Moot Mommy and Moot Daddy told me (as I took notes).

One (they told me): Escrow closed. It didn’t have to, but it did. Yes we had minor meltdowns during the waiting period, but 99% of the time we kept positive and kept a kind of faith in the Universe providing for us. Seriously! Then: Miracle! Gift! Whatever you want to call it (they told me). We’re in our investment, there’s a yard for our son, and with the help of family the place is really coming together.

Two (they told me): Family! Also friends and friends-of-family and even some strangers. You just never know (they told me, meaning Moot Mommy’s cousins who had decided to buy all new furniture just as Moot Mommy and Moot Daddy were moving and to give to Moot Mommy and Moot Daddy their barely used, like new couches and 55″ TV. Score!).

Three (they told me, rubbing sore muscles…): Ask for things. Like–well, not only new jobs, but S hooks. Moot Daddy needed a certain kind of S hook for a certain backyard project and, as he was raking up the yard, there turned up two, unearthed in our dirt. This may sound a very small thing to receive, S hooks (they told me). However, a trip saved from going to the hardware store when you’re fixing up the fixer-upper and keeping a baby from discovering the skin-puncturing and the rusted-dangerous? Miracle! Gift! Etc.! The most appreciated S hooks we’ve ever had.

Four (they told me, watching their toddler water his sandbox with the garden hose): We repeat the “You just never know” bit. For another instance, before Moot Daddy was laid off, we were looking for a Playhouse on Craig’s List. After Moot Daddy was laid off, we decided to wait on buying one, then—bam! Our friends called out of the blue and offered us an extremely new looking, electronics-included playhouse. They even delivered it and assembled it for us. Kind of like the S hooks scenario, only better. Miracle! Gift! Family! Friends! Get it? Hope so (Moot Mommy and Moot Daddy told me, corralling the toddler and heading indoors), because we’re too frikkin’ tired to talk anymore, PB. Naptime. Buh-bye.

Hi there!
www.pbrippey.com

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Anti-Parent Incident!

It was a morning like any other on Facebook: Friends dropping one-liners about their moods, ice cream preferences, quiz results, the June Gloom, etc. One “friend”, an unmarried, childless, single “friend” who requested I be her “friend” months ago, wrote that she never follows those who identify themselves as parents on Twitter because the parents say unforgivable, disgusting, asinine things like, “My kid’s puke is cute.”

Comments on this comment by my “friend” followed swiftly. One young man wrote:

“And don’t even get me started about people who post profile pictures of their pets or their kids!”

And a young woman who confessed to being a twit who doesn’t Twitter, wrote:

“I don’t understand that at all!”

Etc.

That’s when I jumped in with what I naively considered a Laughingly-Commenting type comment, stating oh those silly parents do and say strange things due to lack of sleep and trying to keep toddlers alive, ha ha, and I Laughingly Commented that because I’m a parent I do my best to understand and forgive other parents for the crazy things we do, especially after the annoying things I’ve done as a parent, like proudly displaying all of the pictures of my kid in my wallet to total strangers, although (I wrote) I would never Twitter about my kid’s puke. Still (I inferred), I understand parents who do Twitter about puke or poop. Puke and poop are huge parts of our lives, us parents of the teeny-tiny. The paradox being that until you’re a parent you can’t truly know the hell, shock and awe you can be put through. As. A. Parent. Ha ha. Tra la. Hoo. Hee. Ha.

When I should have simply ignored or “unfriended” my “friend” right then and there, or, as a fellow mommy bud of mine (a canny, witty, wildly creative, fantastic mommy I admire) advised me, “Just kick her off the bus.”

My Facebook “friend” commented swiftly on my comment. She wrote (basically), that the “Unless you’re a parent you can’t know” line is used way too often to excuse completely unacceptable behavior from kids and the parents who can’t control them, behavior that she, my “friend”, believes she simply should not have to “put up” with (I assume she means in public). Then my “friend” coolly, condescendingly thanked me for not “baby-tweeting.”

Does my “friend” hang out in playgrounds? Does she live in a pre-school? Please. She’s a single woman constantly Tweeting and FB’ing about where her next cocktail is coming from. She spends A LOT of time researching upscale happy hours (per FB posts). Is she really coming into contact with that many harried parents sucking down martinis in between disciplining their toddlers from the doorways of swanky bars? Jayden–give that woman back her iphone! Bartender, three olives this time and make it dirty–Fitzroy Blane The F****** Third! Get the hell away from that stiletto!

ASS****!!! I muttered irately after reading my “friend’s” comment. A loud buzzing filled my ears. I saw red. I was beyond irate. I was—Uber Irate. I “unfriended” my “friend” and blocked her from contacting me.

I ranted and raged at the computer screen with a passion that excluded Zen kindness or patience or understanding or forgiveness—but then I had to paint the bathroom, clean out filthy cupboards, wash the cat poop off the brand new comforter and feed my toddler and I forgot about the nasty start to my day. I’m still annoyed (obviously) by my “friend’s” comments, but the kicking her off my bus part of my day really hit home. Life is short, etc., and my boy is growing so fast. I don’t have time to be mad at someone who may become a mother some day herself and have the parenting light bulb flash on and realize that thinking your kid’s puke is cute is far, far better than the alternative and makes for a healthier mind and provides a crumb of staid sanity in the many, many extremely long days of being a mother, or father, or caregiver in charge of the following: Raising the future.

Well, parents, there’s plenty of seating in my bus—whether you think your kid’s puke, poop or snot is cute, or whether you’re just plain overwhelmed by parenting. Come in, sit (don’t you love my sky-blue paisley bus cushions!), breathe and sip a libation of your choice. Understand. Forgive. Breathe.

Ahhhhhhhhh.

PS. Thank you B! Your bus is grand, grand.

Now THAT’S cute!
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Blog Braaaaaaake…

Said in Sean Connery voice: I don’t know what day it is, damn you! I have been moving forever! Get. Me. My. Mother! Get me a chocolate-filled croissant—w/the Eiffel Tower! Then get me a Scotch Egg. Will this madness ever stop! Why is it so quiet in the suburbs? Ah—ack—I hear a dog’s bark. A little dog. Barking. Not a baby—a dog. A Scotch dog! Damn it! Now I’m hungry!

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Lowes Is A Many Splendored…

This store is so near us and so helpful in so many ways.
Lowes!

He was munching on rice cake as we wheeled him around. Occasionally and more often than not, he would shout for joy, startling others, cracking us up.

Lowes!
We got a lot of shopping done thanks to the dual steering wheels.

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Blog Break: Baby Again…

Current spate of Blog Breaks featuring the baby are due to parents renovating new home while watching a toddler, meaning we prime/paint/clean/hammer/paste glow-in-the-dark stars on ceiling beam/etc in shifts. This does not leave time for: writing poetry, blogging, sanity. I don’t believe I’ve ever felt so tired in my life. However, the good news is: it’s all good. We are extremely grateful for our new home and to have a yard for T. We move in this weekend and look forward to getting a new routine going for us, T and the 3 shi***** on everything, pissing on our shoes, regurgitating, discombobulated, terrified of change cats. Ponderosa? Here we come! (not soon enough!)

It was hell to assemble, but worth the result.
The New Sandbox
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Change…

Decisions are made and BAM, life is changed forever. Once, my toddler and I had a routine. Now, the routine is a semblance of its former self—it is Jenny-Craiged routine, thinned and thinning, in dire transition, affecting everyone with giddy upset—affecting the canny toddler, the paint-spattered parents, the dirty dishes piled and repiled in the sink, the laundry mound, blog posts and the cats (morning upchucks and peeing on the laundry mound up 100% this week). Also affecting—bizarrely, perversely, wonderfully—the toddler’s sleep schedule. For the past two nights he has not woken up at 2am and 4am and 6am with strangled cries, but slept from 8:30p.m. until 6:00a.m., been soothed and slept another hour and 45 minutes. Can that sleeping-through-the-night thing actually be happening to us, despite the upset of routine? Or because of? A fantastically welcome mystery! I do know that despite (not because of) the paint fumes I’m inhaling daily, I am a different person in 2 days from getting a solid 7 plus hours of sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep. And although I have learned never to expect the expected from my toddler, I am hopeful this current sleep pattern will continue well into the rest of forever. Ahhhhhh. Now if I can only get him to say “Mama.”

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Blog Break: Water Baby

Ask me if I care
Waterbaby

if when I do this
Waterbaby!

the water is positively icy!
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waterb43.jpg
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Smile, smile, smile…

My dear friend Moot Mommy’s husband, Moot Daddy, was recently laid off. This after a duly diligent (and possibly psychic) Moot Daddy approached his CEO and asked, point-blank, “Am I okay here?”, only to be emphatically assured, “OF COURSE!!!”—but a mere two weeks later? Down came the axe. For Moot Mommy and Daddy it’s a familiar story—many people they know are in the same situation. Suddenly grocery lists grow money-fangs and roar and gnash impolitely, the land line is ditched, COBRA comes into play and the spouses do their best not to turn on each other in moments of extreme WTF. Moot Mommy takes it into the bathroom when she must depressurize the tear ducts so her son won’t see/hear. Moot Daddy brings on a few hard laps around the block. They try very hard to think of the sacking as a blessing—for instance, Moot Mommy is convinced Moot Daddy was never appreciated properly by his Management and since the sacking he’s already had several promising job interviews and been thrown some freelance gigs. Well, all righty! Moot Daddy himself admits he wouldn’t mind a change of working venue and a pay raise and yes, in this sway-backed economy. Super-duper! They are very positive, Moot Mommy and Daddy, considering they’ve lost half their income and have a toddler entering the need-my-own-swingset phase. I learn from watching them, the way they listen to each other without scorn or exasperation, even when the other is saying something completely ridiculous and irrational, like, “Maybe we should move to Vietnam,” or, “I don’t need health insurance–you and the baby can have the health insurance,” or, “I guess we’ll be eating tofu for the rest of our lives.” Following is a little list of Whistle While You Work-ish items Moot Mommy finds extremely helpful in this time of crisis. She passed the list on to me and I’m now going to share it with you:

1. When you wake up, no matter how you feel, smile. Seriously—you have to try it to comprehend the impact.

2. Brush your teeth (hair, not so much—but a clean mouth urges the psyche up from that horrid dark lake called The Blues).

3. Shout the word JOY at traffic instead of F***** or F***head or F****** A****** M***** F*****.

4. Remind yourself that you forgive everyone who ever did anything nasty to you. You don’t ever have to condone their behavior, or tell them you forgive them, but do tell yourself, “I forgive everyone. I forgive everyone. I forgive everyone.” (Another trick on old-man psyche, makes him want to put on a dress and flirt shamelessly with his reflection.)

5. Have inspiring music playing quite often. Some favs are:

Psychedelic Firs
Madonna’s “Ray Of Light”
U2’s “Beautiful Day”
Anything by Jess’ca Hoop—music so weird your psyche doesn’t care what’s happened in the real world, it just wants to listen and pretend to be on LSD.
Jill Scott “Livin’ My Life Like It’s Golden, Golden, Golden…”
Indigo Girls “Closer To Fine”
Fred Neal’s dolphin song (good luck finding it, but if you can…)
Dixie Chicks (so many)
Beethoven’s 9th
Dvorak’s 9th

6. Look at your child(ren). No, I mean: LOOK! Those developing limbs, deft fingers, coconut-white teeth, beautiful, elastic skin. Your gift(s).

7. Flip through your wedding album.

8. Talk to family or friends, phone, email, Facebook—just keep in touch so you don’t feel alooooooooone.

9. Pamper yourself inexpensively (cookies and milk, glass of wine, bath and a book, a new T shirt from Target, a few minutes at People Magazine .com)

10. Decrease the caffeine in your morning half-caf coffee (for now).

11. Don’t stop working out.

12. Say this: We have enough money.

13. And this: All is well.

14. Remember: This, too, shall pass.

15. Remember: This, too, is wicked exciting.

16. Remember: Breathe.

17. Remember: Your therapist has good ideas and has seen plenty of people-in-crisis. Make an appointment to check in.

18. Remember: Tell your husband you love him.

19. Remember: Say, “Thank you.”

And finally, number 20: Remember to remember (somehow).

Thanks, Moot Mommy! Good luck to you, Moot Daddy and Hamlet Jr, my favorite little family. I know everything is going to be just fine (don’t throw that frying pan at my head, Moot Mommy—metaphorically or otherwise: all is well, all is well, all is well).

Bigggg Smile!
www.pbrippey.com

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Ah, Marine Layer…

Weekend Edition nattering pleasantly, I cruised up the coast to SB, two bags of donatable items in the back seat of S’s infuriatingly sparse, no-frills-whatsoever economy car (that he adores), a low quilty helmet of marine layer overhead from NoHo to the piece of coastline actually flanking the ocean, past La Conchita and its deadly sagging cliffs, past the pier leading to the faux island hiding oil derricks, past Rincon Point and its diehard surfers and the sweet, many-windowed house there I privately covet, through Carpinteria, Summerland and voila: fire? What fire? Not a burn area was to be seen, gray sky gauze medicating old mountains and foothills. It was as if gargantuan flame-walls had never terrorized the city.

I stopped off to see Gallerina Sister. Bleary-eyed behind the counter, surrounded by amazing paintings, she was dressed in the same jeans she’d been wearing for 3 days and a borrowed tee shirt. On the computer she showed me photos of fire-ravaged neighborhoods (”here’s where so and so’s house was, and here’s so and so’s and here is so and so’s house standing, but look—next door the so and so’s lost theirs and here…let me know if you come across any furniture or other big homey items in LA so I can pass the info on, look–here was so and so’s home…”, etc.). She confessed she was nervous about returning to her home once the evacuation order lifted. “Yeah, I do need clothes,” she said, slumped on her seat, “but smoke damage, rubbled houses on my block, worrying about the displaced—all the damage is exhausting.” And it was basically the same with everyone I spoke to—the red, bleary eyes, the exhaustion from monitoring the fire, from avoiding falling ash and heat, everyone wrung from the shock and empathy for those who had lost their homes. “The newspapers and TV are alarmingly non-informative,” Blood Sister told me when I stopped at her house. We were standing amid the ash coating her lawn. At the house behind hers, we heard water running and splashing as neighbors hosed off their patio. “They’re not supposed to do that,” Blood Sister said, concerned, rubbing her eyes. “We’ve been asked not to water outside until the fire is more contained. People have been really great about it.” Startled, we noticed sun on our arms and looked up. The marine layer was melting. Not enough, though, to see the mountains. Helicopters muttered in the distance. Yesterday, Blood Sister delivered Costco vittles in bulk to the local humane society overrun in animals, some boarded, some separated from their owners and dropped off by good samaritans. Then Blood Sister made her way to the local pound and scrubbed bunny cages and helped cool the rabbits down with “ice pillows”, baths and soothing combings of ash from bun-fur. “There are plenty of volunteers,” she told me with a sudden smile. “That’s the good news.”

Later, after delivering my donations, heading for LA, battling paranoia about being away from my baby for so long for the first time ever, SB glinting in the sun, beginning to emulate its most charming picture postcards, becoming once again the terminally pretty toy-town I grew up in—I missed, in my LA residency, the sense of community so prominent in SB, where despite a lack of information from the local news media, many residents—displaced or not, homes destroyed or not, exhausted from damage or not—roust the good samaritan inside and become proactive in a time of crisis. They open up their shops and hotels and homes to shocked tourists and the evacuated, down to the smallest displaced bunny. It occurs to many residents to reach out and help. In comparison, LA in day-to-day life often feels stuffed with the types that, no matter what crisis is going on around them, will hose off their lawn chairs. All I wanted to do was get to the condo, grab my husband and child and return, once and for all, home.

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Fire…Again…

Fire Santa Barbara May 2009

Gallerina Sister took this on her iphone. The power was out everywhere this afternoon, including her gallery, so they shut down and she fled to the Mesa, to Blood Sister’s house: aka Fire Central. What should have been a 10 minute drive turned into an avoidance of city gridlock and deposited Gallerina Sister over 20 minutes later (outrageous for our small town) on a street right above Blood Sister’s. She got out of the car and walked up the precious rise of a view-ridden park—a tranquil, greeny place resembling a little piece of the top of the world. Her legs were still shaky: From her downtown gallery she’d seen flames on the nearby Riviera, enough of the fire to give her a sense of its ferocity—enough to put the shake in her legs. She’d been evacuated from her home the day before, to her surprise. She’d tried to drive up her street and was told “no,” even though official mandatory evacuations hadn’t been made public, yet. Luckily a neighbor was able to grab some clothes and things for her and for her daughter. Luckily she doesn’t have any pets to worry about. Hopefully her house isn’t burning. Blood Sister joined her at the park and they watched the drama for a bit, then retired to Fire Central and watched the Jesusita rage on TV with Blood Sister’s family, Blood Sister’s ex-husband and his dog (also displaced), comfort food and the kind of libations you choose when shock is testing your norms. They’re still watching. This fire, both of my sisters assured me, makes the Tea Fire tiny.

Tomorrow will be interesting. The winds are supposed to abate for the day and the smoke clear until the next sundowner. No one seems to know exactly how many acres and houses have burned. Talk about a reveal…

jesusita fire from downtown

UPDATE: 5/7/09 Still no word on whether Gallerina Sister and her daughter have a house to live in. The winds will most likely kick up again later today. I can’t watch the news anymore after the reporting on horror stories about animals.
UPDATE: 5/7/09 (still!) Gallerina Sister’s house is standing. She viewed it through a friend’s birding binocs. Her daughter’s boyfriend’s family home, however, gone. Winds aren’t kicking up like yesterday, yet fire rages at the top of the mountain. There is scant local reporting and much confusion. Heartening stories of some animals being beautifully saved.
UPDATE: 5/8/09 The fire has launched in two different directions. People are being evacuated who never, ever thought they would be. If the winds come up again today as expected—-
UDPATE: Click here

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Dead Bird In The Freezer…

Wounded birds had a thing for me, appearing on doorsteps I frequented, pavement, balconies, my favorite beach, displaying their injuries, pitiful gimpings, tragic wing breaks, dangling broken legs. I could be out walking and my eye would be caught by a flutter I knew instantly was a message, a flutter-cry for help. I don’t know how I knew, but I was always right. I responded to every SOS, cradling the injured party in my hoodie or pocket of my purse, zooming it for rescue and a Bird Person or vet experienced in optimism and bird bodies. Once, I saved a house finch who had a run-in with a pop-up sprinkler when the pop-up popped down and took her leg with it. The vet I found was the same Dr. responsible for removing the voiceboxes from the peacocks residing on the green, green (and apparently bird-hushed) grounds of the Playboy Mansion. As this vet cooed over my bemused wild finch, he suddenly amputated the mangled leg. Snip. Just like that. The finch didn’t even flinch. He told me Amelia (I was prone to naming my rescues) would probably live two years in the wild if I nursed her back to health and released her, three years if I kept her in a cage. Of course I was going to give her an extra year of life! Once Amelia was hopping expertly around the cage I purchased for her (a definite mansion, a Tara cage–huge and white and perch-filled), hopping blithely from her swing down into her seed bowl for a feeding-frenzy, then back up to perches as though she’d never lost a leg, my conscience took over. Setting the cage on my patio, I opened the white bars and retreated inside my apartment. Amelia’s cousins (at least, I hope they were her cousins) sailed down from the trees and perched on the cage, tweeting madly, as if urging escape before the huge hairy monster watching at the window changed her mind. When they flew off, Amelia followed. Bye-bye, sweet house finch. Though I scanned the trees with my opera glasses, I never saw her again. For months her cage sat empty on my patio, gathering dust from the Hollywood Hills, the abandoned birdie-mirrors reflecting me solo in hideous smog-light with a glass of wine and a pen poised over the notebook on my lap, nervously watching the world zipping by, alone but for Charlotte (the man-hating cat), utterly birdless.

But then I saved Mr. Peabody, a cobalt budgie who fainted in front of my security gate. I almost stepped on him. It was as if he’d been placed there for me to rescue. I cupped him in my palms, ferried him to my kitchen and moistened his beak with water until he came to. And then I set him in Amelia’s cage. He clung woefully to a perch for 24 hours, then switched on. Alert, chirpy, checking me and his new digs out, Mr. Peabody proceeded to be delightfully trill and entertaining for the next 4 years.

Mr. Peabody and Charlotte were my homies. They moved with me up North for a year, moved back with me to Echo Park, were comfort when I came home from a dubious date or party that failed to produce Mr. Wonderful (oh yes, I was searching). Sweet, funny, full of whistles and fond of preening strands of my hair if I pushed them into his cage, Mr. P was the epitomy of affection. He would never let me hold him, refused to leave his cage (unlike Amelia), but he encouraged me to spray water on him for a bath and on rare, magical occasions, he would press his head against the bars and let my fingers sift his warm down. He thrilled visitors with his terminally merry, vibrant sounds, joining in the conversation during my potato soup parties, lemon drop socials, or poetry get-togethers.

Sometime during my sojourn in Echo Park, I had a blind date with Mr. Wonderful, S, my future husband and a year and a half later I was traveling with S before moving in with him. During my absence, bird-sat by a friend of mine, Mr. Peabody expired, fell off his perch, whether dead before, after or because of the fall, no one will ever know. My friend was devastated. He handed me Mr. Peabody in a white box we both sobbed over. Mr. Peabody was the Tom Hanks of parakeets, the Jimmy Stewart of budgies. Everybody f****** liked him.

Meaning to bury Mr. Peabody, but wanting a perfect place, I stored my dead bird in S’s freezer. And there he has stayed for three years. S suggested we bury him in North Hollywood Park, but what if a dog or one of the park’s aggressive squirrels dug him up and—? Too horrible to contemplate. S suggested a mountain burial, but we started trying to get pregnant and stopped going on hikes. We frequent the beach, but that won’t do. And although my mother offered a portion of her yard as funeral plot, we keep forgetting to take Mr. Peabody out of the freezer when packing the minivan for Santa Barbara. This time, we won’t forget Mr. P, S and I proclaim, but we always forget, our arms loaded with T and his million things. My sister the Santa Barbara gallerina contacted an artist who specializes in painting dead birds. This artist expressed interest in painting Mr. Peabody and his frozen cobalt glisten—but what would happen to my bird after the session? Cremation? Burial? Dumpster? I’ve never been contacted to organize a dead-bird-drop-off and I don’t ask my sister about this artist anymore. Although a portrait would be nice…

But soon we will be moving into our very own house with an extremely large yard. There I plan to bury Mr. Peabody. Finally, a resting place I am comfortable with! Also, S made it very clear that Mr. Peabody is not to go anywhere near our new refrigerator. For three years my husband has organized our freezer to make room for the white box, framing it in Trader Joe’s soy chicken nuggets, sliding slim packets of vegetarian bacon over the top of Mr. Peabody’s crude coffin. How I miss my bird! And yet I’m so relieved to give him a burial after all this time. “Yeah. Couldn’t come fast enough,” S says wryly, side-stepping Charlotte (even though she has decided not to hate S and tattoo his arms with her claws, but tolerate him, especially because he’s the one who feeds her). But S knew Mr. Peabody and he, too, was smitten. We wish he could have survived the transition to our married life.

Farewell, Mr. Peabody. You were immensely loved. We will hang hummingbird feeders and seedbags from our new eaves in your honor and a place a birdbath in our rose garden. I would, in a budgie’s heartbeat, save you again if I could.

Sweetest guy!

www.pbrippey.com

UPDATE: Dead mockingbird in the carport, saw it just as I was pulling in. I think it’s the same one that’s been dive bombing cats prowling the area. It’s birdie Spring madness around here, many swoopings and noisy complaints and birds on the wall holding twigs in their beaks. I’m sorry the MB was dead, but as a still fairly sleepless mother I am also a little relieved I didn’t have to do the rushing to the vet thing—although in the name of Mr. Peabody, I would have.

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Blog Break: Dharma Initiative T Shirt…

Dharma baby on the loose

Dharma baby speaks
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Its My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To…

the boy reads!

So this month, Poetry Month, I’ve taken part in the PAD exercise, writing a poem a day and posting it, usually while my husband feeds T breakfast, posting my little whatever day of April poem, then moving on to the park and Ikea and storytimes and playdates, never looking back. I’ve only just realized that other PAD contributors are—well, I guess you could call it “commenting” on posted poems, occasionally sniping at other contributors for various offenses and, as with today’s Poem-A-Day challenge, whining about the PAD overseer’s request that all contributors write a sestina (apparently too much of a challenge for many), or if not a sestina, a sestina-bashing poem, or perhaps a sestina praising poem (?). Man. Let the bashing begin.

GRIPES:
One ambitious PAD contributor boasts of having posted over 200 poems this month. Some of his poems are in the 72 stanza range. Not 72 lines. S.T.A.N.Z.A.S. He is very proud of his 200 poems, this poet. Usually a mini-glossary and history lesson accompany his posts. When another PAD contributor took umbrage with this poet’s multiple postings, he was quickly defended by some loyalist-type PAD-goers who suggested the umbrage-taker simply skip over the 72 stanza-ers and basically just shut up. The poet in question responded to the criticism with: more poems, adding that the PAD overseer didn’t say he couldn’t post more than one poem a day. Okay—we get it—over 200 poems posted—no wonder the PAD server keeps crashing. And there’s more: Several daily contributors post to let everyone know they are going to take showers before returning and posting their poems for the day. Is this information really necessary to impart? A shower? Others use a passive-aggressive approach when resorting to sniping, i.e., I don’t want to incur any bad karma, or hurt your feelings, but YOU SUCK. Hello? I had to stop reading the posts today. My head started spinning around. I felt like I was behind a group of people on a city sidewalk, people who all know each other, oblivious to anyone else using the pavement, spreading out, shout-talking, spreading their arms in their loudly colored clothing, making it impossible for others to pass but for an annoying, awkward sidestep through mucky gutter.

Today, either before or after their morning showers, some contributors who didn’t even try to write a sestina griped that poetic form is “ridiculous.” Oh dear. There went my head again, into a fast, committed spin.

Just write the f****** sestina rather than waste time damning poetic form (which is like damning breath or earth or gold)! I can say this because: I wrote and posted a sestina today. Before my shower and during my first and only cup of coffee, I lifted an extremely heavy, creaky trap door and allowed some creativity to gasp through. Is it a good sestina? F*** no! But I’m glad I tried, I’m glad I had the experience of writing it, without a published gripe.

On a different note (head whips back to normal position), PAD has been a positive daily exercise: I’ve been reminded that I can be a mother and still eke out time to write. I’ve been reminded to read books other than the calming Ladies Detective Agency series. I’ve been inspired to catch up on the New Yorkers piled on the back of the toilet. OMG, PB, shut up, quit griping about the gripers and get back to it.

he reads, he reads more!

www.pbrippey.com

Update: The 200 + poem person concluded the PAD challenge with a mega-mongumongous poem attempting to incorporate the names of all contributors. P.B. Rippey is listed in one of the uber-stanzas, along with two words defining her as a poet. The words are as follows:
1. hippie
2. drippey
Interesting—or alarming. Or—
not.

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Obviously Even More Sleep Is Vital…

Kill daddy!

Conversations With My Husband

#3,213: The Outsider

Yes, you heard me correctly. There’s no need to turn so pale, PB. It’s a simple truth. When it comes to your writing, you have me operating just on the outside.

You’re crazy! (pause) What do you mean?

I’m peripheral.

What? You are not peri–oofal. Shut up! You’re T’s daddy.

Who’s on the outside—

You’re NOT on any frikkin’ outside, metaphorical or—or otherwise! You’re—

Let me finish, PB?

YOU’RE NOT ON THE OUTSIDE!!! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU!!!

Don’t go all Gollum on me. Calm down. There, there. Here’s a smelly fish head. Shh, precious, shhhhhh.

(meek, whimpering) you’renotontheoutside…

It’s okay. I understand.

You—do?

Of course.

Oh. I’m so relieved. (pause) What do you understand?

That I’m a tool for your undertaking.

You’re—

A tool for your undertaking, yes. Oh, stop it. You know exactly what I mean.

Are you saying I write—faction? How could you! How could my own husband accuse me of—f-f-faction!!!

Get off that silly horse and talk to me face to face. And you might hold back on the exclamation points. I thought poets only got three of those in one lifetime. You’ve used at least 40 in the last minute—

I DO NOT WRITE FACTION!!!!!!!!!!! I AM HONEST WITH MY USE OF WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You’re loyal to your story. That’s fine, PB. I like your writing.

YOU ARE NOT PERIPHERALLLL!!! I DO NOT WRITE FACTION!!!

Shhh. You’ll wake the baby.

(head spinning around) Errrlggbraaannnnnlllfffff !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sigh) Excuse me, PB. I’m going to hang out with some emmentaler slices and the New Yorker. Call me when your spaceship gets in.

luf mummy

www.pbrippey.com

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What Am I, Pregnant?

9th month!

No.

Yet the memory thing rages out of control, as it did when I was in the ninth month and finding my cell phone in the refrigerator and my wallet in the piano bench. Actually, I found my cell phone in the fridge last week, too—and I couldn’t blame it on T. And today, for another instance, I purchased $60 worth of vital items at Toys R Us, including a talking book T was all rabid for. Then I drove off and left the bag of said items in the shopping cart. Upon returning home and placing my snoozing babe in his crib, I realized my error and phoned the store. No bag had been turned in. No bag could be located anywhere. Somebody made off with my goods. Bye-bye talking book. Ciao, $60.

And yesterday I left the cinnamon rolls for the playdate on top of the minivan. As I drove away, they sailed for climes unknown, where they are drinking icy pinot grigio, casually melting into (tasteful) modern art and sharing a good old cinnamon roll guffaw at my expense.

And last night I dreamed I couldn’t find my baby. I woke up hyperventilating, my husband’s worried face in mine. It seems my current streak of forgetting is even penetrating my dream-life. Why???

I asked this question of the gruffish lady checking my groceries this morning, as I ransacked my purse for coupons I’d forgotten to grab from the kitchen counter before leaving home. She glanced at T in the shopping cart sucking blissfully on an enormous piece of fresh baguette. The gruffish lady shrugged and replied, “Him. He’s why.”

Oh, I love my baby. I love going over the replacement talking book I bought for him as he sits on my lap, my nostrils deep in blonde locks reeking of the tomato sauce he patted into his hair at lunch, my arms around his little tubby tummy. I will never lose him, never find myself running screaming around a park searching for him frantically. He is responsible for making me not just hugely, but profoundly happy. Yeah. “Him.”

Take that, Memory, and sleep on it.

Him!
www.pbrippey.com

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Memory Challenge…

Little guy!

Oh the questions spewing from my mouth when I was pregnant! I interrogated a couple of seasoned mamas, friends of mine, only to be told by them repeatedly (dazed confusion clouding their eyes), “I’m sorry—I just don’t remember.” What!!! How could they not remember vitals like how many times their babies woke up during the night in the first three months, battles with diaper rash and—so much more. Actually, I can’t remember what the heck I asked them—I had to dredge the banks for what I’ve just written here.

Because I, too, have memory blocks since giving birth, since those first three long, intense, post-C-section months. Though S took digi-cam footage and 3,000 pictures, still I can’t remember actually changing diapers that small, or dressing T in those mini-mitts we couldn’t live without. If I think too much about what I can’t remember, I turn into Tim Robbins in “Jacob’s Ladder,” when his face goes cuckoo every time he passes a mirror.

I have the screensaver on my computer that plays photographs from My Photos. Do you have that? Often, as I’m feeding T, my laptop perched next to me on my perch on the king size bed forever dominating our living rooom, beside which I’ve positioned T’s high chair—as I encourage T to try steamed baby carrots, often my eye is caught by photos wafting across my laptop’s screen, ones taken on or around 11/12/07-ish and I gasp. Who is that woman cradling that urchin? My son was never that small! My ass was never that big, surely! Where did that onesie come from? Oh yeah, his hair was black when he was born—I forgot!!! And there goes my face into “Jacob’s Ladder” mode, sproinging every which way with a sped up “yuk yuk” sound as accompaniment.

After 9 months and 1 week of pregnancy, I became fathoms-lady, swimming slowly through incomprehensible depth: birth, taking T home, calling the doctor 12 times in 3 days, showing up at the doctor’s several times a week, driving, driving (once I was mobile after the C section) to calm the strange and exotic little creature consuming my personal hours—despite all the activity, for 90 days life elongated and slowed Einstein-ish-theorem style. I delve through My Photos and the 5 photo albums I’ve filled in 17 months and I can’t believe the changes. These days, life with T in hyper-drive, we don’t even use Dreft and think nothing of putting him to bed without socks on his feet. “The baby might freeze!” “The baby could receive spinal cord damage if we don’t put extra padding in the jogging stroller!” “Our baby will never eat a french fry!” Those days are all over. Done. Gone. We are experienced parents, now, with memory loss. And I know why. There are studies and facts and findings regarding this memory loss issue that I’m way too tired to research and read (also, I forget to), but I know the bottom-line answer. It is:

f e a r

When you don’t know why he’s scream-crying even after you’ve fed and changed him, don’t know what those tiny red bumps are on his chest, his cold prevents him from breastfeeding easily and you’re terrified he’s going to suffocate AND starve, SIDS, first fever, projectile vomits…It’s hard to be a baby. Much harder than being parents. Still, the memory loss thing must be protection for mommies, a salved-up band-aid on true pain, because if we did recall absolutely clearly every single detail from birth through those first scary few months, when every sneeze means certain death, why the HELL would we ever have more than one child.

Memory loss is Mother Nature’s way of insuring the babies keep coming—bless their obviously precious cloud-pink, diaper rash prone bottoms.

The guy!

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Slooooooow Down…

Give me that camera, lady!

The result of getting slightly more sleep lately is that I wake up in the morning feeling peppy as a cheerleader on Snapple. In the space of several hours T eats breakfast, visits a park, is whisked through the aisles of Ralphs or Trader Joe’s, endures a brisk stroller ride culminating in another park and, upon returning home, stares at mommy in amazement as she squeals for him to chase her and darts off (laughing wildly) to hide behind a minimal choice of doors in the infernally small condo.

By noon, however, I’m yawning as I slice T’s grilled cheese sandwich into finger-foods-sized pieces. I phone my husband and beg him to hurry up and get home for lunch so I can have a catnap. By 2p.m. if T isn’t ready for his lengthy late-afternoon nap, I’m sprawled on the doggy-bed that is my son’s personal couch, begging him—as he bangs interestedly on his little electronic drumset, or presses the “repeat” buttons endlessly on his 2 talking books—to go make me a cup of coffee. Make mama a cup of coffee, baby, I beg him, adding, Please, baby. Make mama a cup of coffee.

When T does go down for his nap, I collapse on the king size bed forever dominating our living room, close my eyes, sigh with Calgon-ish relief and: am wide awake. I grab the laptop, check email, check Facebook, check The Pioneer Woman, check CNN headlines, check the mommy group calendar, check Huffington, check Dooce, check Facebook again, check the weather, then check the weather in Santa Barbara, then London, just to see, then—oh my god, the baby is awake.

I spend half an hour getting us both ready for a walk, then push him in the stroller to the park, the stroller blown to the size of a clydesdale, though heavier. I kick the soccer ball to T and am shocked that it weighs at least 2,000 pounds. I wonder, as I watch T investigate small, staked treelings by roughly shaking their skinny, developing trunks, if getting more sleep is better than getting no sleep or if there really is such a thing as getting too much sleep or if once one starts receiving minimal broken sleep, will one ever go back to normal sleep, whatever that is, and, if one does, is this healthy? I call my husband and ask him if getting lots of sleep after having no sleep is like placing a starving person in Sizzler and telling them to go for it. He laughs. He thinks I’m kidding.

Perhaps I’d be wise to pace myself and not dart about so much in the morning. I will try this. Because not having energy in the afternoon makes me feel like Sloth Mom: Pass mama the squeaking ring tailed lemur, baby, Pull that trucks book from the shelf, baby, Hand me that xylophone, would you, baby, Make me a cup of coffee?

Perhaps mothering is all in the pacing once a semblance of a sleep pattern arrives. I’ll see what I can personally research, using myself as a human sleep experiment, and report back. If I’m not too tired.

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“Case” Against Breastfeeding Update

UPDATE:
see this response

And:
http://www.momsrising.org/content/case-against-breastfeeding-overlooks-big-dirty-secret

Both links have excellent responses and comments (the second link especially) and are far more eloquent than little old pissed off pro-breastfeeding-although-formula-is-not-a-dirty-word me. In my bubble, breastfeeding or the formula route are extremely personal choices and either is respected because it’s about what works best for the family. O my bubble! O—whatever. I was going to try for something witty, but I’m too tired. Must sleep…

Snoozer!
www.pbrippey.com